fitbyjesus

I have hesitated on writing this post. This post is the reason why I didn’t even want to start a blog. My biggest fear when starting my blog on my weight loss journey was: What if I fail? What if I gain weight and I feel that I cannot continue my blog? I want to write about my successes, not my failures. But the reality is that this is life and there are real struggles. But the best part is that, if we choose to, we can learn from our struggles and mistakes. If I am going to do a blog on my weight loss journey, then I have to be 100% real. I need to be honest about the good, the bad and the ugly.

In my last blog I wrote about how I had been sick in September and was having trouble getting back on track. Let me give you a little history about my struggles with weight and then I will let you know what I have been learning through this process.

As you see in the pictures above, I have had many gains and losses over the past 15 years (Picture left to right, high school, my brother’s wedding 7 years ago, and now). From the age of 18 to the age of 27, I gained 90 pounds. And even during those 9 years I went on many strict and crazy diets but consistently gained weight. At the age of 18, when I was in my freshman year of college at the University of Dayton, I was raped by another student at the school. I went through many long hearings at school and left the school to come home. From there it was a downward spiral with food and drinking. And I started gaining weight. The weight was actually comfortable and in some ways acted as a barrier or wall to keep me safe.

Over 5 years ago, when I was 28, I turned my life over to Christ and started a journey to better myself and let go of my past. That year I actually lost 65lbs. Since then I have gone back and forth, losing and gaining. I am at the same weight right now, where I was when I lost those 65lbs. The crazy thing is that in the past 5 years there is a certain weight (where I am now) that I cannot break through. Every time I lose weight, I get to this number and something happens, ie. I get sick, hurt myself, or I go through a really stressful time in my life. Have you even seen a battering ram trying to bust down a door? That is what I feel like. I keep coming up to this wall in my weight loss journey and I am going at full speed and doing really well and then BOOM! I hit the wall. The physics behind the battering ram is that if you do not bust through the door or wall, the same energy that use to hit the wall will be reflected back at you. And that is where I am. I am in this cycle that needs to be broken. I lose 10 – 30lbs and then BOOM! Something happens and I gain 10 – 20lbs back and I am right back where I started. I am grateful that I am not all the way back to my highest weight. Amazing, I am still down the 65lbs from then. I have been praying about what has been holding me back from breaking through that wall and God has definitely been opening up my eyes.

There are a few different things that I have realized about myself in the past two months. When looking at old pictures of me from my highest weight, I was mad at myself and disgusted with myself. I was holding resentments against myself. I also realized I was still holding some resentments against people in my life. And I learned that I actually have some fears about losing weight. How crazy is that! The thing that I want the most also scares me the most.

With these revelations I realized I have some internal work to do.

1. I will let go of the resentments against myself and my past. I will forgive myself and learn to truly love myself unconditionally.
2. I will let go other the resentments I hold against other people and learn to love others the way that God loves me, which again is unconditionally.
3. I will be aware of what my fears of losing weight are, face them and let go of them.
4. Truly trust God and completely surrender to God, who can do the impossible and break down the walls that I have not been able to break through.

I believe God is going to take me through this journey and He is teaching me along the way and helping me to be the best version of me I can be. I believe in His promises in my life.

“I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.” Philippians 1:6

Keep a watch out for my posts in the coming weeks as I go through each of the areas, listed above, that God is taking me through. This journey is far from being over and I hope that you will join me.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1

This morning I woke up with the lyrics of “Fight Song” going through my head. I am grateful for it because I really need it to get myself back in gear.

I know it has been a while since I have written a post. A month ago I got a nasty, infectious food poisoning that caused me to have colitis and I was out of work for 3 weeks. With this I could not eat fiber or dairy. I pretty much could only eat protein and starchy carbs. I have been avoiding starchy carbs for over 4 months and now it was the only thing that I could eat that would ease my stomach. I started feeling better 2 weeks ago and was able to return to work but it has been very difficult getting off the carb train. It is like starting all over again. But that is okay and I am going to do it. I just needed a little motivation and waking up this morning with that song in my head was all I needed.

The past week I have been praying for God to give me the motivation and determination to get off the carb train and back on track with healthy eating and exercise and I know He answered my prayer this morning. Waking up with this song in my head really woke me up in more than one way. I am ready to get back on track and to fight this and take back my life. Hope this motivates and encourages you as it did me. And remember… God answers prayers!

“This is my fight song! Take back my life song! Prove I’m alright song! My power’s turned ON! Starting right NOW I’ll be STRONG!” (“Fight Song” By: Rachel Platten)

So this post is for the ladies but it may be beneficial for the guys out there too.

So last week was one of my toughest week in the past couple months both with food and emotions. My hormones were OFF THE HOOK. It has been many months since I have experienced something like this. For 5 whole days I was agitated, annoyed, bitter and wanting to eat anything and everything. I was getting little sleep and that was probably just compounding the problem.

I was asked to lead a devotional at a meeting with our women’s ministry team and I was having a hard time trying to come up with what to speak about. I had all of this bitterness building up in me that I could not think of anything positive or uplifting to speak about. I kept praying about what to speak about and the only thing that kept coming up was all my emotions of anger and frustration. Any time I have been asked to speak I have learned that my message will usually be about what God is trying to work out in my own life and I really felt on my heart that I need to share what I was going through at the time.

The number one thing I am seeking right now in my life is a closer relationship with God. I want to spend more time with Him and get to know Him better during this time in my life. I have been trying to read more of the Bible, pray more and just spend more time with God in general. But I kept getting distracted and kept feeling like I was being pulled in the other direction. I prayed and asked God why is it so difficult for me to get closer to Him. While I was praying, I felt like He reminded me of all the other things going on in my own heart. How can I fall in love with God with so much bitterness and resentments in my heart?

In the story of Queen Esther in the Bible she had one whole year of preparation before she even had her one night with the king. The first 6 months was a cleansing process and the second 6 months was her beautification process. She needed to be cleansed first before she could be beautified. We must also do this process in this order. We need to clean out our hearts of all ugliness before we can truly be filled with the unshakeable and never-ending joy and peace that comes only from God. As Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesians, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32.

This is my journey right now. Working on truly letting go of any bitterness and anger I have towards anyone. And this can be a daily process sometimes. I have learned that as the time of the month that comes where my hormones are all jacked up that I need to be prepared. If I let them get a hold of me, I will pull myself away from God, and away from the people I love and be tempted to turn to food. Even with all the hormones raging last week and dealing with all my emotions I did not stray too far from my food plan. I did have MANY temptations and I did indulge some. I had salads that were not too bad but out of my calorie range and a Wegman’s cookie here and there. But I made it through the week with minimal damage and let go of all guilt and I am continuing to move forward. I am already preparing for the next time my hormones get out of whack by continually cleaning out the bitterness and anger that tries to creep in.

I know that this time of the month can be a struggle for many women. I have started reading a book that is written from a Christian woman’s perspective and so far I love it. I t is funny and talks about real issues and is also very educational. If your hormones are where you struggle and send your food out of control I suggest I check out Jump Off The Hormone Swing by Lorraine Pintus. It is great read for ladies at any age and any stage of life.

Balance …one of my biggest struggles. Over the past few years it has gotten better but it is still an everyday struggle for me. I used to live life with an all or nothing mentality.

Back in high school I was very motivated to stay healthy. After years of playing lacrosse and basketball, I decided to try a fun, new class at the gym called Kickboxing Boot Camp. People were dropping lots of weight and becoming very physically fit. After I survived my first class, I was hooked. Not only hooked, but I couldn’t get enough. I loved how good I felt after completing a class that would burn almost 1,000 calories. My legs and arms would be shaking when I would be driving home from the gym but I was at a heathy weight and was seeing definition in my muscles. I stopped playing team sports and started doing the class 6 days a week. They didn’t have a class on Sundays or I probably would have gone 7 days a week. At the time, I remember my lunch consisting of celery sticks, 2 table spoons of peanut butter and raisins … Yes I would have ants on a log for lunch. I took my exercising and dieting to the extreme.

Fast forward 2 years to college at the University of Dayton. After having some struggles at school, I decided I needed to come home. It was one of the lower points in my life. At this time, there was no exercise at all and my diet consisted of whatever I craved at the time and whatever soothed me.

In my years since college, this has been the cycle that has repeated over and over. From intense workouts and unrealistic diets to no exercise for months and periods of binge eating. My habits were dependent on my mood and how I was feeling. Since turning my life over to God, I have definitely found joy and peace in my life but have still felt the struggle to have balance. I am definitely living a healthier life the past 5 years but still on the roller coaster of ups and downs.

I starting running 4 years ago and even took that to the extreme. 4 years ago I completed my first 5k where I actually ran the whole time without walking. I spent the whole race in prayer. Praying for God’s help to give me strength and to help me to not quit running and then praying prayers of thanks for His continued help. “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 That race I relied on His strength to get me through and crossing that finish line was one of the best experiences in my life. I didn’t stop there. After that, I completed a 10k in Richmond. And 3 years ago I decided I couldn’t be satisfied with just jogging 3 – 4 miles a few times a week, I wanted to take it to the next level and train for the Baltimore half marathon. I trained and completed the half marathon but this time I tried to do it in my own strength hurt myself in the process. I had bone spurs for months and I was in such pain when I crossed that finish line that the victory of completing a half marathon did not matter. I had actually felt defeated.

I have learned over and over in my life that the best plan for me is one in moderation and balance. Not only in diet and fitness but in all areas of my life such as work, family, friends, church and even helping others. I have had to work hard at find balance in my life and sticking with it. I make sure that I have time in my day and week for myself and for God and then prioritize around that. After finding balance in my life, it has carried over to my food and fitness. I eat healthy but also enjoy some small treats in moderation. And my fitness plan right now it just making sure I ‘MOVE’ for at least 30 min for 3 days a week. That may be going for a walk or a run on the trail. I don’t feel guilty anymore if I just take a nice walk because my goal is to just move. I still plan on training for 5k’s and an occasional 10k but I do not plan on any more half marathons in my future. My plan is moderation in all areas of my life. And guess what?! …. It is working! Imagine that.

If you are struggling with the ups and down in life and living the all or nothing mentality like I did, my pray for you is that you find peace and balance in Jesus. He has lead me down this path and helped me to find balance, peace and joy. Take some time and examine what areas of your life need balance. Pray with a willingness to change and surrender it over the God who created you. I promise He will not let you down.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.^” Proverbs 3:5-6

2 weeks ago I ordered a new pair of running shoes. This was my first 10lb reward. Through this weight loss process I have decided to have a reward system. For years I would treat myself to a “cheat meal” if I had a good weigh-in. I starting to think that maybe it was not a good idea to reward weight loss with food. So I came up with another plan. Every time I hit 10lbs I will reward myself with something I really want. Since I am living on a budget right now, this is a way to treat myself to something I would not normally be buying myself. Here are a couple of my rewards I have planned for myself:

New running shoes

New hair style and highlights

Gym membership

1 hour massage

Make-up makeover and new make-up

New Pandora ring (I might have a small addiction to buying their rings so I have banned myself to have to wait for my reward to buy one)

New dress

1 night stay at Lake Pointe Inn at Deep Creek Lake

I have picked rewards that will help me to work on myself. So far I have lost 24lbs and have gotten my new running shoe for my 1^st 10lbs and last week I got my hair done with some highlights for my 2^nd 10lb reward. 6 more pounds until my 3^rd 10lb reward and I am thinking about getting my make-up makeover and buying some new make-up. This has definitely been a fun way to lose weight and reward myself and I highly recommend it.

For years I have battled with my weight and many diets. The funny thing is I know exactly how to lose weight and always have. It is all about what you are putting in your body. Broken down real easy – calories in have to be less than calories burned. I am also watching fat and carbs. I have not cut them completely out of my diet but reduced the amount I eat. But I have known all of this since I was in high school. So why has this been so hard for me? And I am sure I am not the only one. It is the mental battle where I struggle.

I watched Dr. Phil years ago and he said that the biggest issue to loose wright is the battle going on in our own heads. This was very true in my case. I know how to eat right, I know how to exercise. With all of my time with trainers over the years, I could probably become one myself.

5 years ago when I turned my life over to God, I started working with a life coach. There was a lot of heart ache, hurts and bitterness that I needed to finally let go. Forgiveness of others that have hurt me was key. All that bitterness and unforgiving was like a cancer in my body, holding me back from true peace in my life and in my mind. It has been a long but very beneficial process. Through the process I have learned how, with just a willingness to forgive and turning it over to God, will allow Him to completely change my heart and give me such peace and joy.

Even after letting go of all of that I was still struggling and could not figure out why. I would eat right for 2 week and then have a bad day and give in and then I would totally be “off my diet.” I went to a nutritionist back in February to figure out what I was doing wrong. He looked at my food journal of what I was eating and told me it was great and that he wouldn’t change a thing. But the one thing he pointed out to me was life changing. Every time I ate something that was not a part of my acceptable foods, I would have such guilt and shame that I would completely throw all of the good work I had done away. I would beat myself up and make myself feel bad for giving into a temptation. And then I would self-sabotage and continue to eat bad stuff … always telling myself I would start over on Monday. That was always my diet starting day. When-ever I messed up, which mostly happened on the weekends, I would just enjoy the rest of the weekend and start over on Monday. Which did not get me far. The nutritionist told me that no “diet” is perfect and that no person is perfect and I needed to give myself some grace. Wow, was that really the key to my weight loss? Yes! Even though the nutritionist didn’t help me at all with my food, the visit was priceless.

I hope this little bit of information that I have learned through this process helps you as much as it has helped me. I have learned that it is okay to indulge in moderation. Once a week I will have one meal that is still healthy but is over my normal calorie amount. It has worked for me and I hope it works for you.

Letting go of the guilt I had when I would eat something that was not a part of my food plan was instrumental in my success in weight loss. I still struggle with guilt and anytime I start to have shame I just think that guilt and shame are definitely not of the Lord and his grace is definitely more than enough so I should also give myself grace.

“Cast your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7